The L Word and my mom

I had the last week off work so I caught up on some shows and started another quilt. I decided I hadn’t seen The L Word in a long time so I started at season one and went thru to the finale. I forgot about the details around Dana dying and when Alice walks up to her room just after she dies and breaks down sobbing I had a strange reaction, I know there is a word for it but I can’t come up with it right now sensory maybe.

My mom was in the hospital for 2 weeks before she died. She spent 1 week in stepdown ICU then the next week in ICU on life support. My point to this is that I refuse to cry in front of people, I am very protective over my feelings and emotions. While everyone else was crying and hugging and all I sat in a chair and read or played on my phone. I am sure a lot of people thought I was rude or uncaring but it’s how I deal. I even heard people talking about when was I gonna breakdown and cry. On the Friday before she died(she died on Sunday late morning) she was getting much, much worse. I hadn’t seen my wife since before my mom got put on life support (she is a long haul trucker if I haven’t mentioned it before) and I was beyond stressed and needed her. Now she was on her way home after telling her boss what was happening but because of traffic she was running late. I was sitting on pins and needles waiting for her to call me so I could go get her.

When she did call a close family friend decided I was not able to drive and she was going to go get her. Where my wife parks her truck is less then 5 minutes from the hospital but by now it was rush hour and the traffic is a royal bitch around there because the freeway is close and the hospital is next to two major roads meeting. What should have taken 5 minutes at most took 15. Now you may not think that is a lot but believe me it was hours to me. I thought about leaving and trying to intercept them but I knew I’d miss them. I had gone to the main hallway of the hospital and waited there because I didn’t know which direction they would be coming from. I saw my wife walking rapidly toward me and I LOST it. Just like Alice did. She grabbed me as I was sliding down the wall sobbing.  Here I was someone who never shows emotions sobbing uncontrollably and having a horrible time trying to breathe and sob at the same time, half standing half leaning on my wife to hold me up. We were passed by many people and they tried not to stare but couldn’t help it. The woman who picked her up for me passed by and patted her on the shoulder.    We eventually slid the rest of the way down the wall sitting in the hallway while all these people passed and I just buried my head in her chest. I literally thought I was going to throw up, have you ever cried so hard you made yourself sick? I can’t tell you how long we sat there, just that she held me tight and waited. When we did get up her shirt was soaked from me crying. When I watched that episode today it took me right back there and I FELT it all over again.

Old diaries

I found my old diaries today and decided to read thru parts of them, I shouldn’t have done that. With my meds not working real well all it did was depress me. I have never been a happy go lucky person and reading thru them just made me so sad for the person I was then.

Feeling funky

I dont know why but I’m in a weird funk today. I’m gonna to say something I NEVER say, I need a hug. A good hug, a big, tight, you are safe in my arms hug. I don’t know how much of this is real or meds, well it has to be real. I have been on different meds for  years and I even think one of the past posts discusses that. My Dr put me on Prozac in addition to my Wellbutrin because of the depression from my moms death. The Prozac did help with the constant crying, forgetfulness unable to focus, the general totally scattered feeling and the not wanting to get off the couch. The one side effect that I couldn’t deal with was the inability to really enjoy sex with my wife. I couldn’t get off and that is VERY frustrating,  anyone who has been on meds and had this as a side effect understands. So she switched me to another medication and it seems this has the same effect but now I’m weepy off and on. My moms headstone will be going in sometime this month and I’m thinking maybe that might be it. I hate this feeling.