100 days of hell

Today is the four year anniversary of the beginning of the worst 3 1/2 months of my life.                                                                                                                                                                      In those 100 days I lost and found 2 of my cats due to people not being able to shut a door (not me). I had to put to sleep 2 older dogs due to cancer and heart problems and finally my mother got the diagnosis that would literally be the death of her and buried her all within those 100 days. I am a different person then I was 4 years ago today. I am a more emotional person, well not really I just have a harder time hiding it sometimes. I am a more forgetful person and this is a BIG thing. I had the memory of an elephant and was very focused, now I am so scattered most of the time I have trouble following a line of thought. I will be in a part of town and not be able to figure out how to get to another part of town, the same town I have lived in for 40 years it’s like my brain got totally rewired it and I hate it. I used to be a smart put together person, I can’t say that now. Anxiety has been an issue of mine since I was a kid, walking on eggshells trying not to upset the apple cart that was known as the careful balance of the people in my house. My brother had the ability to totally fuck up everything and everyone because he didn’t get something he wanted or someone told him no. I was always trying so hard to be the good kid, the one who didn’t get arrested or hooked on drugs or steal or deal drugs  that I was anxious a lot of the time. When I moved out all that changed but since the 100 days of hell started I am more anxious than ever. I spent 30 days almost a year ago walking around with a heart monitor 24/7 because my heart was skipping beats, racing and scaring me. Anxiety is not a good thing for me and it seems to be getting worse. I have tried all kinds of medications but hate the side effects so I’d rather not take them.

stress and anxiety are going to kill me

I really need to go to my Dr and get my meds changed or add a new one. Things are strange at work and I am convinced my car is going to kill me. Turns out I have the worst year for my make and model and since the end of June I have been having strange problems that the brand somehow has no idea about altho if you look online it seems a lot of people have these issues. Me having anxiety issues to begin with and having a car that keeps stalling and losing power on me is not a good combo. I cant get a new car I don’t have the money and I sure as hell can’t use this as a trade in with the problems. I contacted the maker and they said they have no idea and to keep all my receipts from fixes incase there is a recall. I cant afford to just start replacing shit I don’t have the money. I keep thinking maybe if I can get someone to hit the front end of my car the other persons insurance will have to give me money and I can find another taf. TAF= to and from and thats it. I have few requirements, it must be automatic, have air and get good gas mileage and be reliable. I dont give 2 shits what it looks like or any bells and whistles. My last 2 taf’s were great and I should have kept the last one but this was a deal 7 years newer and 100,000 less miles. Not such a deal now. GRRRRRRRRRR