bad dream

I had a horrible dream last night that won’t go away. I dreamed that I was at my moms funeral showing and then all the sudden I saw her walking around. I guess it turned into a “living” memorial and she was telling everyone goodbye and I was so mad at her. She was going to leave town and die wherever she ended up. I was screaming at her and I threw a pack of cigarettes at her and told her to leave because she loved them more then she loved me and she had made her choice.  I know EXACTLY where that dream came from because I was angry at her for so long and I guess I still am.

Friends??

I have very few friends and for the most part I like it that way. I don’t trust people easily and once you cross me my walls go half way up, you do it again they go all the way up and you will never get back in. There is one in particular that I have a special hate for P.

She and I worked together for a couple years and we hung out with a big group and would go out on the weekends and have a blast. I was married to my ex-husband and she had a girlfriend. There is a whole background that is not that important so we wont go there except to say that one of the friends in our group got promoted and it changed everything. Once D got promoted and made kind of our boss she changed so the group dynamic changed and we stopped hanging out. P ended up getting fired and for good reason, she had a habit of calling off work or going to lunch and not coming back that afternoon. The place was a horrible place to work, the owner had a God complex and loved to make you cry.

She ended up getting a job at a much better place and wanted me to interview because they needed someone who knew the job and now. I interviewed and was hired that day. She only lasted there for about a year for mostly the same reason as the last job, Her and her girlfriend ended up moving to a new city about 45 min away so I hardly saw her until she got a job back in out area and would drop by and say hi.

The girl who took her place I had a HUGE crush on and I mean HUGE. C was a LBG, little butch girl, and when she came in for her interview the hair on the back of my neck stood straight up. I was still married to my husband and living totally in the closet. C worked there for almost a year when she had a major medical crisis that left her in the ICU with 2 brain surgeries and on life support and even the top Dr’s in the field did not expect her to live. To make this short she did live but had some major complications like speech and walking issues. Her parents we hoping that with all the brain trauma that she had that she would wake up and be straight, that didn’t happen.

She had the opportunity to come back to work but needed a place to live so after talking to my husband we agreed she could take our 3rd bedroom so she could work. I still had this HUGE crush on her but never would I act on it. I couldn’t be “with” her but I could help her. About 6 months later P came back into my life.

I told P all about my feelings for C and she was my sounding board until she met C. Now C is NOT P’s type. C and P are both butch and where C doesn’t have a type of woman she likes P does and they are girly girls. One night P met C and everything changed, P started teasing me whenever we talked bout how I always wanted her and was following her around. Now let me stop here, I have NEVER found P attractive in “that way” and never would. She really picked it up if C was around and no matter how much I told her she was wrong she insisted.

It turns out C had feelings for her and she and P started seeing each other on the side and lying about it the whole time. P lied straight to my face about it all. She told me nothing was going on while still listening to me crush on C. When I found out all hell broke loose and I tried to never talk to P again but she would find ways to get in my path and try and talk to me, I just ignored her.

At the time I couldn’t figure out why my “good friend” would do this to me but years away from it I have figured it out. P was in love with me and knew that I didn’t feel the same way so she went after and in the end totally fucked over and hurt C. She couldn’t have me so she went after the woman I loved. Her insisting to everyone who would listen that I had a huge crush on her was her way of saying the reverse.