100 days of hell

Today is the four year anniversary of the beginning of the worst 3 1/2 months of my life.                                                                                                                                                                      In those 100 days I lost and found 2 of my cats due to people not being able to shut a door (not me). I had to put to sleep 2 older dogs due to cancer and heart problems and finally my mother got the diagnosis that would literally be the death of her and buried her all within those 100 days. I am a different person then I was 4 years ago today. I am a more emotional person, well not really I just have a harder time hiding it sometimes. I am a more forgetful person and this is a BIG thing. I had the memory of an elephant and was very focused, now I am so scattered most of the time I have trouble following a line of thought. I will be in a part of town and not be able to figure out how to get to another part of town, the same town I have lived in for 40 years it’s like my brain got totally rewired it and I hate it. I used to be a smart put together person, I can’t say that now. Anxiety has been an issue of mine since I was a kid, walking on eggshells trying not to upset the apple cart that was known as the careful balance of the people in my house. My brother had the ability to totally fuck up everything and everyone because he didn’t get something he wanted or someone told him no. I was always trying so hard to be the good kid, the one who didn’t get arrested or hooked on drugs or steal or deal drugs  that I was anxious a lot of the time. When I moved out all that changed but since the 100 days of hell started I am more anxious than ever. I spent 30 days almost a year ago walking around with a heart monitor 24/7 because my heart was skipping beats, racing and scaring me. Anxiety is not a good thing for me and it seems to be getting worse. I have tried all kinds of medications but hate the side effects so I’d rather not take them.

Feeling funky

I dont know why but I’m in a weird funk today. I’m gonna to say something I NEVER say, I need a hug. A good hug, a big, tight, you are safe in my arms hug. I don’t know how much of this is real or meds, well it has to be real. I have been on different meds for  years and I even think one of the past posts discusses that. My Dr put me on Prozac in addition to my Wellbutrin because of the depression from my moms death. The Prozac did help with the constant crying, forgetfulness unable to focus, the general totally scattered feeling and the not wanting to get off the couch. The one side effect that I couldn’t deal with was the inability to really enjoy sex with my wife. I couldn’t get off and that is VERY frustrating,  anyone who has been on meds and had this as a side effect understands. So she switched me to another medication and it seems this has the same effect but now I’m weepy off and on. My moms headstone will be going in sometime this month and I’m thinking maybe that might be it. I hate this feeling.

I have a confession– I have been a bad wife

For the first two years of our relationship we had sex whenever we could. She travels for her job so there would be times where we didn’t see each other for a week or 2 or 3 at a time and when she got into town we fucked like bunnies. We moved in together 3 months shy of our 2 year anniversary and things changed shortly there after. It had nothing to do with me, or her, or my son, it was outside forces. Three months after our 2 year anniversary my world screeched to a halt and she had no choice but to stand by and try to help. Starting the second week in March I was on a roller coaster for the next 101 days and they were the worst in my 38 years. In those 101 days I had two dogs have to be put to sleep for cancer and heart problems. I had 2 cats sneak out of the house for a week at a time and then finally we found them and got them home. The biggest thing however was my mom got sick and died within 70 days. In the aftermath our sex life DIED. From the time my mom first entered the hospital until last week we had sex 3 times and two of those I felt guilty and even tho I didn’t want touched I did take care of her. Going from 3-4 times over the course of a couple days to 3 times in 14 months was such a huge change and I am surprised my wife put up with it. I didn’t really think she would ever leave because she would never do that, she tried to do everything she could and never said a word about it. Sex was always a HUGE part of our relationship, She was in a 11 year relationship and her ex-wife stopped having sex with her before they even got married. I was in a relationship with a man for 13 years that was never sexually satisfying. I tried but we were not on the same page. Never in those 13 years did I get off when it wasn’t by my own hand. I am in no way blaming him, he tried but I was to embarrassed to ask for what I needed. When we separated I was seeing someone for about 6 months, kinda a FWB thing but she was so vanilla and we were even less compatible then me and my ex-husband. I thought that my sex life was over and was just going to suck, til I met my wife. We established before we even saw each other (we met on-line) that sex was important and needed to be to make us work. I opened the box by telling her about “The CrashPad” and gave her my username and password to the site so she could check it out, careful to mention a couple scenes that really turned me on. We had sex for the first time on our second date and not only did she want to go down on me ( I didn’t let her then I was to anxious) she mentioned throwing me over the bed face down and fucking me with a strap on. I was in heaven. We are very honest about what we like, want and need and have the best time going to the toy stores together. Last month when I went to my annual I mentioned to my Dr that my sex drive was gone. She said it was most likely depression due to my mom dying but she decided to add a new medication to the anti-depressant I was already on, and guess what. I want her ass any and every way I can get it. I have become more aggressive and love that for the last 3 days she has been my butch bottom and I have rocked her world so hard. The sex was incredible but the connection we reestablished between us is even better. We are back in line and connected again. I am so happy she stuck with me thru this and I am looking forward to making up for lost time. 😉