bad dream

I had a horrible dream last night that won’t go away. I dreamed that I was at my moms funeral showing and then all the sudden I saw her walking around. I guess it turned into a “living” memorial and she was telling everyone goodbye and I was so mad at her. She was going to leave town and die wherever she ended up. I was screaming at her and I threw a pack of cigarettes at her and told her to leave because she loved them more then she loved me and she had made her choice.  I know EXACTLY where that dream came from because I was angry at her for so long and I guess I still am.

100 days of hell

Today is the four year anniversary of the beginning of the worst 3 1/2 months of my life.                                                                                                                                                                      In those 100 days I lost and found 2 of my cats due to people not being able to shut a door (not me). I had to put to sleep 2 older dogs due to cancer and heart problems and finally my mother got the diagnosis that would literally be the death of her and buried her all within those 100 days. I am a different person then I was 4 years ago today. I am a more emotional person, well not really I just have a harder time hiding it sometimes. I am a more forgetful person and this is a BIG thing. I had the memory of an elephant and was very focused, now I am so scattered most of the time I have trouble following a line of thought. I will be in a part of town and not be able to figure out how to get to another part of town, the same town I have lived in for 40 years it’s like my brain got totally rewired it and I hate it. I used to be a smart put together person, I can’t say that now. Anxiety has been an issue of mine since I was a kid, walking on eggshells trying not to upset the apple cart that was known as the careful balance of the people in my house. My brother had the ability to totally fuck up everything and everyone because he didn’t get something he wanted or someone told him no. I was always trying so hard to be the good kid, the one who didn’t get arrested or hooked on drugs or steal or deal drugs  that I was anxious a lot of the time. When I moved out all that changed but since the 100 days of hell started I am more anxious than ever. I spent 30 days almost a year ago walking around with a heart monitor 24/7 because my heart was skipping beats, racing and scaring me. Anxiety is not a good thing for me and it seems to be getting worse. I have tried all kinds of medications but hate the side effects so I’d rather not take them.

The L Word and my mom

I had the last week off work so I caught up on some shows and started another quilt. I decided I hadn’t seen The L Word in a long time so I started at season one and went thru to the finale. I forgot about the details around Dana dying and when Alice walks up to her room just after she dies and breaks down sobbing I had a strange reaction, I know there is a word for it but I can’t come up with it right now sensory maybe.

My mom was in the hospital for 2 weeks before she died. She spent 1 week in stepdown ICU then the next week in ICU on life support. My point to this is that I refuse to cry in front of people, I am very protective over my feelings and emotions. While everyone else was crying and hugging and all I sat in a chair and read or played on my phone. I am sure a lot of people thought I was rude or uncaring but it’s how I deal. I even heard people talking about when was I gonna breakdown and cry. On the Friday before she died(she died on Sunday late morning) she was getting much, much worse. I hadn’t seen my wife since before my mom got put on life support (she is a long haul trucker if I haven’t mentioned it before) and I was beyond stressed and needed her. Now she was on her way home after telling her boss what was happening but because of traffic she was running late. I was sitting on pins and needles waiting for her to call me so I could go get her.

When she did call a close family friend decided I was not able to drive and she was going to go get her. Where my wife parks her truck is less then 5 minutes from the hospital but by now it was rush hour and the traffic is a royal bitch around there because the freeway is close and the hospital is next to two major roads meeting. What should have taken 5 minutes at most took 15. Now you may not think that is a lot but believe me it was hours to me. I thought about leaving and trying to intercept them but I knew I’d miss them. I had gone to the main hallway of the hospital and waited there because I didn’t know which direction they would be coming from. I saw my wife walking rapidly toward me and I LOST it. Just like Alice did. She grabbed me as I was sliding down the wall sobbing.  Here I was someone who never shows emotions sobbing uncontrollably and having a horrible time trying to breathe and sob at the same time, half standing half leaning on my wife to hold me up. We were passed by many people and they tried not to stare but couldn’t help it. The woman who picked her up for me passed by and patted her on the shoulder.    We eventually slid the rest of the way down the wall sitting in the hallway while all these people passed and I just buried my head in her chest. I literally thought I was going to throw up, have you ever cried so hard you made yourself sick? I can’t tell you how long we sat there, just that she held me tight and waited. When we did get up her shirt was soaked from me crying. When I watched that episode today it took me right back there and I FELT it all over again.