Today is the four year anniversary of the beginning of the worst 3 1/2 months of my life. In those 100 days I lost and found 2 of my cats due to people not being able to shut a door (not me). I had to put to sleep 2 older dogs due to cancer and heart problems and finally my mother got the diagnosis that would literally be the death of her and buried her all within those 100 days. I am a different person then I was 4 years ago today. I am a more emotional person, well not really I just have a harder time hiding it sometimes. I am a more forgetful person and this is a BIG thing. I had the memory of an elephant and was very focused, now I am so scattered most of the time I have trouble following a line of thought. I will be in a part of town and not be able to figure out how to get to another part of town, the same town I have lived in for 40 years it’s like my brain got totally rewired it and I hate it. I used to be a smart put together person, I can’t say that now. Anxiety has been an issue of mine since I was a kid, walking on eggshells trying not to upset the apple cart that was known as the careful balance of the people in my house. My brother had the ability to totally fuck up everything and everyone because he didn’t get something he wanted or someone told him no. I was always trying so hard to be the good kid, the one who didn’t get arrested or hooked on drugs or steal or deal drugs that I was anxious a lot of the time. When I moved out all that changed but since the 100 days of hell started I am more anxious than ever. I spent 30 days almost a year ago walking around with a heart monitor 24/7 because my heart was skipping beats, racing and scaring me. Anxiety is not a good thing for me and it seems to be getting worse. I have tried all kinds of medications but hate the side effects so I’d rather not take them.
I dont know why but I’m in a weird funk today. I’m gonna to say something I NEVER say, I need a hug. A good hug, a big, tight, you are safe in my arms hug. I don’t know how much of this is real or meds, well it has to be real. I have been on different meds for years and I even think one of the past posts discusses that. My Dr put me on Prozac in addition to my Wellbutrin because of the depression from my moms death. The Prozac did help with the constant crying, forgetfulness unable to focus, the general totally scattered feeling and the not wanting to get off the couch. The one side effect that I couldn’t deal with was the inability to really enjoy sex with my wife. I couldn’t get off and that is VERY frustrating, anyone who has been on meds and had this as a side effect understands. So she switched me to another medication and it seems this has the same effect but now I’m weepy off and on. My moms headstone will be going in sometime this month and I’m thinking maybe that might be it. I hate this feeling.