The “man” in this lesbians life

 

I have a man in my life which I am sure sounds strange because I am a lesbian. I have identified as lesbian for 7 years and thought this past week that maybe I was really bi-sexual, but I have come to the conclusion that my issue is not that I am sexually attracted to men but more like 1 man. I am aware that this is not going to paint me in a good light but this is what happened.

I met R when I was 21 and bar-tending at a local bowling alley. I started mid season and only worked 2 nights a week so I never actually met him til the end of the season at one of the banquets. He was tall with a larger build, blond hair and blue eyes and was married. Now I knew from bowling alley gossip that she was psycho and made his life hell, she wouldn’t get a job so he was supporting both of them and trying to bowl on the tour when he could. The night he became a father he came in and told everyone and was celebrating. He is very well known there because he is an awesome bowler and had bowled there for years, he bowled in the serious leagues and was there at least 2 nights a week. It was getting close to closing time and he asked if I wanted to go get a drink after work. To anyone else listening it sounded neutral but I picked up on the subtext. At this point this was the first I knew of his wife even being pregnant and I am sure the fact that he had been watching me a little close and and subtly flirting was a major reason.

Now lets back up a bit. I am a big girl and always have been, I was at the time 21 years old and even tho I had boyfriends I was never really pursued. Over the next few months he would come in and hang out after bowling and talk, an flirt and not being at all discreet about it when no one else was around. I am not gonna lie he was married, I knew he was married but it felt so good to have someone just wanna hang out and talk to me and give me attention. I was very single at the time and needed some fun in my life so I would go to some of his matches and hang out and have fun. I am sure everyone thought we were sleeping together but we weren’t, yet.

I had sort of started seeing a guy totally not seriously and R kinda kicked it up a notch even tho I told him it was going nowhere. It did end quickly with that guy and shortly after I broke it off with him I started dating who would become my husband. We were not serious at all at first just dating at the time and I had gotten into the habit of going out for pool and beers with R after work and hang out. He would find reasons to touch me and the chemistry was very much there and building to a fever pitch but we never gave into it until one night walking into the bar.

I was a step or two ahead of him and he said something about “showing me” and I made a comment back about liking to see him try and that is when time slowed down and I got the best kiss of my life. He grabbed my hand and pulled me back to him hard and around. With his right arm he pulled me in and he put his left hand on the back of my head and kissed me. I don’t know how long we stood there but from then on he was hands on, as long as no one we knew was around for both of our sakes.

His wife was living with his parents and the baby at that time in the southern part of the state because she couldn’t “do things on her own”. She actually lived there for about 6 months with him driving down on the weekends since he worked so much thru the week. For the next 2+ months we would meet in secret whether it was his apartment, my parents, or where I was house sitting and fuck. We were great in bed and he gave me my first orgasm that was not at my own hand. Neither one of us was looking for anything serious from the other so it gave us a kind of freedom to be our true selves and have a great open sex life. I was having a blast but it ended when I got serious with my now ex-husband.

We did hook up a couple times while I was married, I was questioning my sexuality and knew R was safe, because he was still married at the time although starting his divorce. He would keep his mouth shut and he was good in bed and I knew it would be fun. When I left my husband I contacted R thru e-mail and told him there was something I was interested in sexually and would he be willing to help me out if I ever wanted to actually try it. He told me absolutely yes any time, any place I didn’t even have to ask.

I met my now wife 5 months after leaving my husband so I never took him up on his offer although I still haven’t done what I asked him about. I had occasion to see him a few times recently and I was amazed to see there was still a strong sexual attraction for this man.

How can that be I wondered because I am a lesbian married to a woman. I have not found men sexually attractive in many many years, LONG before I left my husband. I have come to the conclusion that my body just remembers what it was like to be with him, how good I felt and how good the attention was and knowing he wanted me anytime, anywhere.

My wife loves and desires me I don’t question that and I would NEVER in a million years do anything to jeopardize our relationship but strictly from an ego point it is nice to know that someone else out there in the world desires you and if things were different they would be more than happy to hit that right.

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bad dream

I had a horrible dream last night that won’t go away. I dreamed that I was at my moms funeral showing and then all the sudden I saw her walking around. I guess it turned into a “living” memorial and she was telling everyone goodbye and I was so mad at her. She was going to leave town and die wherever she ended up. I was screaming at her and I threw a pack of cigarettes at her and told her to leave because she loved them more then she loved me and she had made her choice.  I know EXACTLY where that dream came from because I was angry at her for so long and I guess I still am.

100 days of hell

Today is the four year anniversary of the beginning of the worst 3 1/2 months of my life.                                                                                                                                                                      In those 100 days I lost and found 2 of my cats due to people not being able to shut a door (not me). I had to put to sleep 2 older dogs due to cancer and heart problems and finally my mother got the diagnosis that would literally be the death of her and buried her all within those 100 days. I am a different person then I was 4 years ago today. I am a more emotional person, well not really I just have a harder time hiding it sometimes. I am a more forgetful person and this is a BIG thing. I had the memory of an elephant and was very focused, now I am so scattered most of the time I have trouble following a line of thought. I will be in a part of town and not be able to figure out how to get to another part of town, the same town I have lived in for 40 years it’s like my brain got totally rewired it and I hate it. I used to be a smart put together person, I can’t say that now. Anxiety has been an issue of mine since I was a kid, walking on eggshells trying not to upset the apple cart that was known as the careful balance of the people in my house. My brother had the ability to totally fuck up everything and everyone because he didn’t get something he wanted or someone told him no. I was always trying so hard to be the good kid, the one who didn’t get arrested or hooked on drugs or steal or deal drugs  that I was anxious a lot of the time. When I moved out all that changed but since the 100 days of hell started I am more anxious than ever. I spent 30 days almost a year ago walking around with a heart monitor 24/7 because my heart was skipping beats, racing and scaring me. Anxiety is not a good thing for me and it seems to be getting worse. I have tried all kinds of medications but hate the side effects so I’d rather not take them.

Almost 6 months later

Here I am 6 months later, work has calmed down some and I have a new used car. This car is a 2012 Honda Civic and it only had 18000 miles on it when I bought the car. I couldn’t buy it without the help of my father so even tho the stress of a car payment is there it is nothing like the stress of a car always dying on me. I am lucky that I have the dad I do he is always there to help me out when I need it looking out for me. I am a daddys girl and my brother was a mommas boy and my dad knows I will pay him back everything he has ever loaned me. I have been so scatter brained lately and I have figured out that it is because this is the time of the year my mom got sick and died.

stress and anxiety are going to kill me

I really need to go to my Dr and get my meds changed or add a new one. Things are strange at work and I am convinced my car is going to kill me. Turns out I have the worst year for my make and model and since the end of June I have been having strange problems that the brand somehow has no idea about altho if you look online it seems a lot of people have these issues. Me having anxiety issues to begin with and having a car that keeps stalling and losing power on me is not a good combo. I cant get a new car I don’t have the money and I sure as hell can’t use this as a trade in with the problems. I contacted the maker and they said they have no idea and to keep all my receipts from fixes incase there is a recall. I cant afford to just start replacing shit I don’t have the money. I keep thinking maybe if I can get someone to hit the front end of my car the other persons insurance will have to give me money and I can find another taf. TAF= to and from and thats it. I have few requirements, it must be automatic, have air and get good gas mileage and be reliable. I dont give 2 shits what it looks like or any bells and whistles. My last 2 taf’s were great and I should have kept the last one but this was a deal 7 years newer and 100,000 less miles. Not such a deal now. GRRRRRRRRRR

Where are all the Butches going??

This is not going to be a popular opinion but it’s mine and I don’t care. You can have your opinion and blog about it and that’s fine but this is mine and you are not changing my view. Butches are my kryptonite, I go gaga in front of them and turn from a smart woman to a bumbling teenager so I am very disappointed to see they are disappearing and being replaced by TransMen. What is wrong with being Butch? It seems that all the butches now a days want to be called sir and are more concerned about passing then anything else. I believe the word Butch describes a masculine WOMAN, a person with both tits and a vagina. I am seeing a lot of Butch women going for top surgery because they are not comfortable with that part of their body and don’t identify with their breasts. To me that is Trans and when that surgery happens I don’t see how you can call yourselves Butch. Now I know where the formerly butch and now TransMen will say “What about Butches with breast cancer?” Women with breast cancer or the BRCA gene have them removed because of health reasons not because they don’t identify with them. When I see a butch woman and I get all a flutter it totally shuts down when their preferred pronoun is announced as he/him. I am allowed my preferences just like anyone else I want a butch woman that knows she is a woman. I don’t want my butch wife to want me to call her him or daddy. NO. The best thing about a butch is that she is a woman, the best of everything and those things she hides under her clothes to keep men from objectifying, those are for me. It seems like Butch is too hard and nowadays they think it’s easier to pass so the transition starts and they are no longer butches. I miss the Butches of old.

Friends??

I have very few friends and for the most part I like it that way. I don’t trust people easily and once you cross me my walls go half way up, you do it again they go all the way up and you will never get back in. There is one in particular that I have a special hate for P.

She and I worked together for a couple years and we hung out with a big group and would go out on the weekends and have a blast. I was married to my ex-husband and she had a girlfriend. There is a whole background that is not that important so we wont go there except to say that one of the friends in our group got promoted and it changed everything. Once D got promoted and made kind of our boss she changed so the group dynamic changed and we stopped hanging out. P ended up getting fired and for good reason, she had a habit of calling off work or going to lunch and not coming back that afternoon. The place was a horrible place to work, the owner had a God complex and loved to make you cry.

She ended up getting a job at a much better place and wanted me to interview because they needed someone who knew the job and now. I interviewed and was hired that day. She only lasted there for about a year for mostly the same reason as the last job, Her and her girlfriend ended up moving to a new city about 45 min away so I hardly saw her until she got a job back in out area and would drop by and say hi.

The girl who took her place I had a HUGE crush on and I mean HUGE. C was a LBG, little butch girl, and when she came in for her interview the hair on the back of my neck stood straight up. I was still married to my husband and living totally in the closet. C worked there for almost a year when she had a major medical crisis that left her in the ICU with 2 brain surgeries and on life support and even the top Dr’s in the field did not expect her to live. To make this short she did live but had some major complications like speech and walking issues. Her parents we hoping that with all the brain trauma that she had that she would wake up and be straight, that didn’t happen.

She had the opportunity to come back to work but needed a place to live so after talking to my husband we agreed she could take our 3rd bedroom so she could work. I still had this HUGE crush on her but never would I act on it. I couldn’t be “with” her but I could help her. About 6 months later P came back into my life.

I told P all about my feelings for C and she was my sounding board until she met C. Now C is NOT P’s type. C and P are both butch and where C doesn’t have a type of woman she likes P does and they are girly girls. One night P met C and everything changed, P started teasing me whenever we talked bout how I always wanted her and was following her around. Now let me stop here, I have NEVER found P attractive in “that way” and never would. She really picked it up if C was around and no matter how much I told her she was wrong she insisted.

It turns out C had feelings for her and she and P started seeing each other on the side and lying about it the whole time. P lied straight to my face about it all. She told me nothing was going on while still listening to me crush on C. When I found out all hell broke loose and I tried to never talk to P again but she would find ways to get in my path and try and talk to me, I just ignored her.

At the time I couldn’t figure out why my “good friend” would do this to me but years away from it I have figured it out. P was in love with me and knew that I didn’t feel the same way so she went after and in the end totally fucked over and hurt C. She couldn’t have me so she went after the woman I loved. Her insisting to everyone who would listen that I had a huge crush on her was her way of saying the reverse.